Week 5 delivered everything we’ve come to expect in the SPFL — heartbreak, heroics, and a dash of comedy at the Mayberry Moops’ expense.
Yesterday’s Corn (4-1) is showing signs of complete domination so far, holding the lead down in the Matt Foley Division after a convincing beatdown last weekend of another tough team, while a quartet of 3-2 squads, Heath’s Heroes, Thunder Monkeys, Piranha Brothers, and Bitter Midgets, lurk nearby. Far, far, far behind are the winless, hopeless, driftless Moops of Mayberry, looking more and more like Bill Belichick at UNC every week.
The Bright 1s (4-1) reign in the Tommy Boy Division, but Higgins and his Ladds and Greased Lightning are only a game behind at 3-2. The Turf Turtles linger at 2-3, while Beauty and the Beasts and the Ghost of Megatron bring up the rear at 1-4.
Corn 193 — Higgins 132: Yesterday’s Corn just keep on poppin’, picking up a big win in the SPFL Game of the Week. Kyren Williams (33) and JaMarr Chase (31) were just a taste of the high scoring Corn lineup. Higgins and the Ladds were led by Jake Ferguson (23) and Jahmyr Gibbs (17).
Bright 1s 142 — Midgets 112: The Bright 1s continued their winning ways, cruising to victory over the Midgets, thanks to JSN (27) and Stefon Diggs’ (24) revenge game. The Midgets were led by Jalen Hurts (21) and twin 17 point outings from the backfield of Jeanty and Dobbins.
Lightning 138 — Heroes 114: If the Lightning were a Seinfeld character, they’d be Kramer … unpredictable, chaotic, but still walking away a winner. Thanks to waiver wire wonder Rico Dowdle (34) and good old Puka (24), the Lightning scorched the Heroes, who were led by Patrick Mahomes (25) and the Texans D (20).
Monkeys 129 — Turtles 86: Sorry for the heavy Seinfeld references, but this game was as painful as watching Elaine dance at the office party. Jonathan Taylor (33) and … get this one … Jake Browning (24) were enough for a comfortable win over the Turtles, who had Tony Pollard (17), and a zero from an injured Mike Evans and not even a second running back to plug into their lineup!
Brothers 147 — Megatron 121: The fish are definitely starting to bite! Dak Prescott and Cmac each put up 30+ to pace the Piranha Brothers. Megatron made a game of it, but fell short despite Justin Fields 26 garbage time points and … Michael Carter (20). Haunting that waiver wire on the weekend almost paid off.
Beauty and the Beasts 122 — Moops 110: Okay, this one was just a little bit cruel. The Beasts put up a goose egg from Zach Ertz (which literally never happens) and started a WR on IR (Cedric Tillman)… yet still opened up a can on the Moops. Sidenote: Do we need to do a wellness check on the ladies of the SPFL? Some real absentee ownership last week. The Moops’ management did enjoy Bill Croskey-Merritt’s (29) coming out party and Indiana Jones’ 16. The only consistent thing about the Moops is their organizational shortcomings — they’re real and they’re spectacular.
Next Week
- Moops vs. Monkeys (Mayberry needs a Festivus miracle in October!)
- Higgins vs. Turtles
- Beasts vs. Megatron
- Midgets vs. Brothers
- Lightning vs. 1s
- Heroes vs. Corn
All that being said, outside of the SPFL, it’s been a good sports week for ye old Commish. The Blue Jays punched their ticket to the ALCS over the mighty Yanks (sorry Michael!), the UVA Cavaliers are ranked 19th and looking a little frisky, the Cowboys, while only 2-2-1, just seem a little … different this year. Dare I say, professional? And locally, our little high school team near the league offices are undefeated and facing their arch nemesis on Friday night, under the lights, in cool weather, with WCYB-TV broadcasting. Sweet. Go ahead. Double dip those pretzels!
The Commish