The Department of SPFL Insecurity

Posted on by Commish

There comes a time in every fantasy season when the optimism of the draft gives way to the harsh realities of real football. But it usually takes longer than two weeks!

For most of us, outside of the younger set of Perry Brothers, we look at our fantasy rosters today and realize that the healthiest person associated with the team is sitting on the couch with a remote control in hand.

And Moops ownership after seeing their keeper franchise QB’s knee turned into jelly

Two weeks in and the blue medical tents are looking like an urgent care on Thanksgiving weekend. Hamstrings popping, knees buckling, elbows crinkling. I’ve asked ChatGPT for clarification on whether “week to week” likely means three days or three months.

Of course, as a lifelong Dallas fan, I’m particularly familiar with football related suffering. This Sunday, America’s Team is taking the traveling circus all the way to Brazil. Apparently, Goodell decided that disappointing fans in the states was no longer sufficient and that our unique brand of suffering should migrate to South America. Just think, right now, somewhere in Rio de Janeiro, an unsuspecting Brazilian is about to discover what it’s like to have your entire week ruined by a porous defense, a coach who looks like he can’t remember if he left the garage door open, and the most dangerous thing in the world — “an old man with money.”

But, back to the SPFL, where a much more serious crisis has developed. League insiders report that the SPFL has become a hotbed of questionable decision making, widespread owner panic, and iffy roster transactions. Seeing as how we are only 2 games into the season, in my capacity as the Commish, I have been forced to establish a new league agency to address this growing threat of complete meltdown.

The Department of SPFL Insecurity.

And the department’s official threat level has been raised from ELEVATED to SEVERE.

Several specific areas of concern:

  • Owners who declared themselves championship caliber teams after the draft, now desperately searching the waiver wire for starters who can post double figure points.
  • Teams fishing for trades offering a QB with a week to week injury and two bench warmers for a first round draft pick.
  • Owners in denial about the condition of their roster, chalking their struggles up to a conspiracy involving Ye Old Commish and Yahoo Sports.
  • And owners already preparing for next year’s draft despite their being three months of football remaining this year.

Ye Old Commish will continue to monitor the situation and alert any owners if they have been placed on the DSI’s Watch List. The best advice I can give is to set your lineup as best you know how … and watch anything besides football on Sunday.

As for the situation on the ground, the Heroes and the Oysters (2-0) currently sit atop the Matt Foley standings while the Corn and Turtles (1-1) linger only a game back. Two games back, (although it feels like more than that, doesn’t it?) stand the Lightning and Megatron (0-2) still looking for that first W of the season. Across the board in the Tommy Boy, the Brothers and the Moops (2-0) currently reign supreme but the 1’s and the Monkeys (1-1) are nippig at their heels. Two games back, (although it feels like more than that, doesn’t it?) stand the Midgets and the Ladds (0-2) still looking for that first W of the season.


One aside before the game recaps — apologies for the number of memes and gifs this week. I keep a running list of potentials to put in here each week and this was one of those weeks when I just couldn’t narrow it down much. I laughed out loud more than once and just want to make sure that those of you who don’t scroll the meme pages don’t miss out on any classics. 

Monkeys 123 – Midgets 115: The Monkeys squeezed out a victory thanks to Travis Kelce (29) finding the fountain of youth. Tay-Tay’s home cookin’ must be agreeing with the big galoot. JaMarr Chase added 26 along with a majestic TD catch in the winning effort. The Midgets were led by CeeDee Lamb (35) and the Bears D (16). The rainy weather and a season ending … uh, scratch that, a minor hamstring injury to Caleb Williams and Alec Pierce re-injuring his foot were chief culprits of the Midgets demise.

Heroes 168 – Lightning 99: Good lord, call off the dogs, man! The Heroes romped to victory, led by ARSB (35) and Dalton Kincaid (26), while the Lightning had Trey McBride (22) and the Seattle D (20) and not much else. I’ve never seen such interest in another man’s groin, as Puka’s is getting across the globe lately.

Corn 222 – Turtles 131: Good lord. I confess, I checked my own team’s scores but paid no attention to the rest of the league until Tuesday and I saw this output by the Corn and was floored. Geez louise. All double figure scoring, led by JSN (44), Davante Adams (39) and Brock Purdy (30) precipitating a major outpouring of points. The Turtles had an admirable effort that would have beat a lot of teams this week, but was no contest against the Corn. Jalen Hurts and Sam LaPorta had twin 20 point tallies, leading a well balanced lineup.


Moops 142 – 1’s 132: The Moops survived, somehow, led by James Cook (23) and Jaylen Waddle (21) overcoming an injury to DJ Moore (0) as their #1 wideout. The 1’s were led by Dak (34) and Jahmyr Gibbs (24).

Brothers 134 – Ladds 106: The Brothers triumphed thanks to Jonathan Taylor (31), KW3 (26) and facing probably the most injury riddled team in the league. The Ladds were led by the Patriots D (31) and Jayden Daniels (16), who was on his way to an even bigger game before turning his elbow inside out. Consider these Ladds: Daniels – out. Saquon Barkley – nicked up with 3 points. And Jayden Reed – nearly paralyzed with 1 point. At least stud TE, Colston Loveland increased his output by 100% over Week 1, posting, uh, one point. Just think, if he keeps it up, he’ll be up to double figures by Thanksgiving!

Oysters 122 – Megatron 103: The Oysters continued to enjoy their return to the league with another win, led by Josh Allen (47) and Rootin Tuten (15), while Megatron had Jake Ferguson (22) and Lamar Jackson (17). Take heart, Dee, Lamar gets the Cowboys this week.


NEXT WEEK

  • Moops/Monkeys
  • Ladds/1’s
  • Midgets/Brothers
  • Megatron/Corn
  • Lightning/Oysters
  • Heroes/Turtles


Good luck and here’s hoping we get a competitive Orange Bowl on Saturday in Knoxville. Go UT!?!?

The Commish

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